Wednesday, May 28, 2014

My life as a box of Kleenex!

Our teacher once asked us that if we ever had to write a book about our life, what would we call it?... I guess I'd call mine "My life as a box of Kleenex"
I am a good friend.
That's a statement which I can proudly say. But does anyone know how much effort goes behind that?
My entire life till this far has been a series of people who I have been used and abused by... I am the box of Kleenex who is there for everyone whenever they need me.. To wipe their dirt on, to wipe away the tears for, share their sweat with and to help mop up any mess they made and then once used, to be finally crumpled up and thrown away into the waste paper basket.
Why do I do this? Why am I the friend who will call you up randomly in the middle of a busy day just to tell you to hang in there… The friend who keeps in touch just to let you know that you are not alone, the one always makes the short and sweet plans just to meet up, keeps track of all the birthdays and other events in your life just to surprise you. Buys you a gift whenever I see something that I know you would like, when out shopping (without waiting for the occasion) and like your handy box of Kleenex, make an effort to always be there to lend a hand or a shoulder to cry on or to simply sit in silence to listen to your woes or give you company.
Why do I do all these things and expect nothing in return? So far people have always forgotten about me in return.
Do I do this because I am great? Or because I am an idiot? This can always be argued.
Do I fill the hole for other peoples’ hearts because mine is irrevocably broken to the point of no return? Perhaps?
Do I do all of the things for others that I secretly covet for someone to do for me? Maybe?
Am just so broken that all I know how to do is fix other people? Sounds compelling.
But the truth is - I don't know... I really don’t.

At the end of the day I have a smile on my face because I have fought my silent battle to help make the world for the people around me a better place... Yes they may use me and throw me away and move on with their lives.. Not give me any outward acknowledgement or on occasion any sincere gesture to show that I even exist! But the battle that took place has been recorded in the history of my mind. It may also be forgotten someday but I will always know the part I played in it to help them win their sanity and comfort. 

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Should this conversation happen?

I know I have not posted anything new in a while – and now when I do it’s because I am facing a dilemma. Please feel free to comment below and let me know if this conversation sounds too selfish or lame or mean or whatever… basically if I should go ahead with it or not.

A: Hey man.. I feel empowered today!
B: Haha okayy.. So uh what did u do?
A: I decided to remove someone from my life!
B: Who? That loser u dated?
A: No that was one date..
B: Uh then who? 
A: This is an old friend... I guess it was a long time coming.. Things always felt one sided and I had started to feel like I was being used... I mean I didn't expect her to come running jumping to help me all the time like I would.. Just wanted the courtesy from her to hear me out at least.. and at least apologize and promise a rain check if it doesn't happen at the time I wanted.. But it felt like she didn't care at all...
B: Maybe the friend was busy?
A: No this went beyond that.. You can be busy once or twice but being perpetually busy for a couple of years is too much.. What do you think?
B: Yeah I guess..
A: I always felt like I was just being kept around to be taken advantage of..
B: I guess a lot of people do that?
A: But it's not right! Look at it from the point of view of the person being used.. It's ok of it's a two way street.. But when it's one sided it's got to go! Don't you agree?
B: Yeah I see your point..
A: Well the truth is old friend I lied..
B: Lied about what?
A: Lied to you that it's an old friend.. It's actually you..
B: *silence*
A: I didn't know how else to convey how I felt because you never listen to me unless I have gossip..
B: But that's not true!
A: Isn't it?
B: Ok I'm not a heart to heart person..
A: I'm sorry but that's what I need right now.. Someone who can be there for me the same way I’m always there for you..
B: I didn't mean to hurt you..

A: It's alright.. I know that, But it's been real man.. Good bye.

Does it sound too "ambushy"? Maybe I should just let it slide... :(